Posted: 3:46 PM - Jan 23, 2012
Aidan
Spring is slowly creeping back and the staff are looking forward to getting the crops planted

As our scene begins, Claybourne is sitting on a milking stool in the barn, trying to figure out what to do with the potato sprouts Mavis gave him and the others to plant

What am I supposed to do with these? Back in London I used to cut away these bits to try and salvage the potatoes for bangers and mash. Now I'm told I'm supposed to put them in the ground?! Which way, though?

Posted: 10:04 AM - Jan 24, 2012
Shirley
Shirley comes out and sees Claybourne turning the potatoes over and over in his hands

Are you still messin' about with that lot? Come on! Betty knows 'ow to plant 'em. She said to meet 'er out in the field an' she'd show us what to do.

Posted: 2:11 PM - Jan 25, 2012
Sienna
Mavis approaches Mr Humphries and Miss Brahms.

No no, Mr 'Umphries, you've gotta learn sometime!

Posted: 2:32 PM - Jan 25, 2012
Dick Lucas
AH, this I gotta see! <giggles Lucas as he watches from the top loft of the barn. Grabbing a rope and swings down to the others> This'll be somethin'...watching ol' fancypants here get his 'ands dirty...heh heh heh.

Posted: 2:23 AM - Jan 26, 2012
Aidan
Everyone goes out to the field where Betty is waiting with the elder Moulterd; Upon seeing the others arrive she smiles and takes the sack of potato cuttings from Claybourne

Betty: Right! You see these trenches? That's where the seed potatoes will go. Claybourne and I will drop them in the trenches. Just drop them in like so with about a foot between them. Shirley and Mavis will come behind us with their spades to cover the potatoes with soil.

Moulterd: Whaddya want me t'do?

Betty: Follow Shirley and Mavis with your water bucket and sprinkle about eight ounces of water over each potato hill.

Dick: What about me?

Betty: Go fetch the rest of the potato seedlings from the barn. Right! Everyone ready?

Betty puts the handle of the potato sack over her head so that it's slung over one shoulder; Claybourne does the same while Shirley and Mavis pick up their spades

Betty: Aaaaaaand GO!

Betty and Claybourne each take a trench; Shirley works behind Betty and Mavis behind Claybourne; he starts singing a Farm Dogs song, Foreign Windows.

Claybourne: I can't take another day...of grey skies and rainfall...you could drown in history here...monuments and crumblin' walls...architecture all around...a masterpiece in every room...culture from the dawn of time...dusty rhymes and flyin' brooms...

Shirley: Oh, belt up!

Posted: 2:29 AM - Jan 26, 2012
Shirley
An hour or so later everyone is resting under a nearby oak; even though it's still quite cool outside they are all sweating profusely

Blimey! If I'd known farmin' was such 'ard work I'd've moved out 'ere ages ago. I think I've dropped two stone since we come out. All the fresh vegetables an' 'ard work gettin' the place ready 'as me knackered most nights. What about you lot?

The others agree wholeheartedly

I don't know about you lot, but I don't really miss London that much. It's too crowded an' noisy sometimes. It's so peaceful an' quiet out 'ere...

Malcolm Heathcliff comes bounding over a hill, shouting foul words intended for Claybourne; Shirley sighs

Most of the time, anyway.

Posted: 2:51 PM - Jan 26, 2012
Sienna
You keep a civil tongue' in your head, Malcolm Heathcliff, and leave Mr 'Umphries alone!
Posted: 6:55 PM - Jan 26, 2012
Dick Lucas
<sitting with his elbows on his knees, shaking head while watching Malcolm drift out of sight...takes a hit off his cig.>

Blimey..<he sighes> This love triangle is gonna explode soon!

Posted: 11:08 PM - Jan 26, 2012
Aidan
Mavis, just what exactly does he want?! I'm getting rather tired of him harassing me like this. You'd think that we were having some sort of tryst the way he goes on.

Not that I mind too much, but still...

Surely he's smart enough to see that you and I are just friends. Right? I mean, come on! You're half my age! When you were born I was just leaving university and about to start at Grace Brothers.

Posted: 11:20 PM - Jan 26, 2012
Shirley
Just what exactly did you study at university, Claybourne?

You know Mavis, 'e's right. 'E is about twice your age and probably twice as girly, too. (giggles) Oh come on, Clay! You know I'm jus' teasin'! Course, you're the only bloke I know who 'as 'alf 'is cupboard fulla dresses. An' remember when me an' Mrs Slocombe was in charge at the store an' you an' Dick ran the ladies' counter? You knew the stock better than I did!

Mavis, you're a kind, sweet girl, but the chances of you an' 'im hookin' up are about the same as Elton John havin' a baby.

Slocombe passes over the newspaper; Elton John and David Furnish are featured on the front page holding up their son, Zachary; Brahms facepalms

You know what I mean.

Posted: 7:48 PM - Jan 27, 2012
Dick Lucas
< laughs at Shirleys expression when looking at the paper >

She's right tho. If you're trying to make that bloke jealous, makin' 'im think somethings goin' on...you're barkin' up the wrong tree, missy. <giggles>

Posted: 1:38 AM - Jan 28, 2012
Aidan
Betty: Right! Back to work!

They finish the potatoes about an hour later; Claybourne returns to the manor covered in dirt, sweat, and shame; a hot shower removes two of his three symptoms

Claybourne: I can't go on living like this. I have to learn how to defend myself or at least gain the confidence to stand up to Malcolm and tell him to sod off! What would Brian Boitano do?

He realises what he just said and facepalms, then screams when soap gets in his eyes

Posted: 12:34 PM - Jan 28, 2012
Dick Lucas
<walking down the hall, whistling, when he heard a scream. rushes over to Claybournes room and bangs on the door, no answer. hears another gasp from inside and uses his shoulder to bust in the door.>

MR. HUMPHRIES, er I mean Clay! Are you alright? Where the bloody hell are you?! < He hollers out as he looks about the room>

Claybourne: In here < he cries from the shower room, in his sharp panic tone>

Blimey, he fell! < thinks as he rushes into the room to see Claybourne rinsing his eyes vigorously...hearing him gasp and curse as he flips his hands, shaking off the excess water>

All that over soap in your eyes? You're more of a pansy than I thought! <short laughs as Clay wraps a towel around himself and his head>

Claybourne: Bite your tongue, or I'll....<shaking a finger into Lucas' face>

What? <crossing his arms, grinning>

<Claybournes face went from anger to tears> Not a thing! <sighes> Oh why couldn't I be more manly instead of good looking? <lower lip trembles as he speaks, looking at Dick.> I mean, I sat out there and listened to you and Shirley and thought...they may be joking, but they're RIGHT!

<giggles as he puts his arm around his friend and walks him to a seat.>

Clay, you don't have to be a brut or all muscles to be a man. But, you are going to have to learn to defend for yourself. Remember when I beat the crap outta Shirleys old flame a few years back?

<Claybourne nods, still ashamed of admitting he's a wuss>

Well, I had strength behind me, but I didn't know how to use it. I went to classes. And starting tomorrow, after chores...we're gonna do those classes.

I'm gonna teach you to stand up against that Malcolm bloke.

Posted: 2:58 AM - Jan 29, 2012
Aidan
A montage begins, set to Team Four Star's Make a Man Out of You, which can be found here

We view scenes of Dick putting Claybourne through all sorts of strength training exercises; Claybourne gets bored and frustrated with them easily; one scene shows Dick watching Claybourne carry a yoke across his shoulders across a field and it has two ice-filled buckets on either side...which Dick takes a cold beer from

Cut to the end of a day of training, where Dick is sitting on a milking stool in the barn, smoking a cigarette; there is an audible moan and Claybourne's head peers over the top of a hay bale nearby and he begins to whimper

Please...no more...I can't do it...I'm so tired...

Posted: 12:40 PM - Jan 29, 2012
Dick Lucas
That'll do for today...<giggles as he hands him a damp towel and a bottle of water>

You can do more than you think...you just don't know it.

You said the same blasted thing when I threw that yoke on you...and you made it!

Soon, you'll pick that baby up without even thinking twice!

Posted: 12:31 AM - Jan 30, 2012
Aidan
. o ( Yes, you're right, Dick. I'll pick it up and swing it at your head! )

When do we get to move on to something else? Like throwing punches and cutting bitches?

Posted: 11:56 AM - Jan 30, 2012
Dick Lucas
Not for another week...gotta get those muscles used to working. You're gonna be sore and achy tonight.

C'mon, you did great for your first workout. Let's jog around the barn a few times then head in. It'll help release this tension you have.

Posted: 11:51 PM - Jan 30, 2012
Aidan
Claybourne groans and tries to get up when his head hits the milking machine; he drops and passes out for a while

Meanwhile...is that Mavis chatting with the other women? Wonder what they're saying...

Posted: 5:31 PM - Jan 31, 2012
Sienna
Shirley: So, Mavis, now that we've got you alone... IS there anything going on with you and Mr Humphries?

Mavis: No! I was raised proper, you know! ... Mind you, he is ever such a nice man...

Shirley and Betty exchange knowing glances...

Posted: 10:37 PM - Jan 31, 2012
Shirley
We were only wondering. I mean, you two are sharing a bed an' all. That can start rumours, y'know.

But what about you an' this Malcolm bloke? What's the story there? He seems to think you two are still an item. What 'appened?

Posted: 9:15 AM - Feb 02, 2012
Dick Lucas
C'mon candy pants! <he slaps Claybournes back with the back of his hand> Stop eavesdropping on ladies and hustle your bustle!

Start jogging! now GO! <motioning him to start around the barn and starts chanting a song like the military sing while jogging.>

I love my mother, she's so sweet~
But, being a mommas boy aint so neat~
workin' out to get strong and toned~
Then I'll be a real man of me own!!!

Posted: 2:06 PM - Feb 04, 2012
Sienna
We were seeing each other pretty regularly, but then you lot moved over here and - well - I was busy a lot and told him I didn't want to see him so often anymore. He took it badly, so I broke it off completely. He thinks it's all because of Mr 'Umphries, but it's not.

Posted: 4:40 PM - Feb 04, 2012
Shirley
Sounds like someone 'as abandonment issues. Probably oughta send 'im to London for therapy.

Did you two ever...you know...?

Shirley makes a gesture with her head, which is internationally known as 'Did you two shag?'

Posted: 5:14 PM - Feb 04, 2012
Dick Lucas
<done with the jog, both panting a bit>

Blimey, <gasps as he talks> I thought I was <gasps> in pretty good shape, < leans in, places hands on knees> guess not.

Humphries: Oooohhh, <moans as he falls against Lucas, panting heavier> You know, you may be my best friend..<gasps> but right now, I hate you! <gasps again>

<giggles his giggle...takes Humphries arm and drapes it around him>

C'mon soldier...lets get a shower.

Posted: 7:55 PM - Feb 05, 2012
Aidan
Claybourne finishes his shower and collapses into bed, where he falls asleep almost straight away; his dreams take him back to London...to Grace Brothers...

Peacock: Mr Humphries! Kindly straighten that penguin drawer before Mr Rumbold arrives.

Humphries: That what drawer?

Peacock: You heard me! Get to it!

Spooner: Oi, what's crawled up 'is ass?

Humphries starts to reply when he glances over at Peacock and sees a fox tail sprouting from his rear; it twitches occasionally as he talks to Slocombe

Humphries: Basil Brush, apparently.

Brahms glides over as if on casters and begins muttering something, then she turns into his mother, Annie Humphries, who begins fussing over the state of his waistcoat; it changes into his old 'Fred and Ginger' costume

Spooner: Nice tights, Barishnokov!

Malcolm Heathcliff swaggers down the stairs and makes a beeline for Humphries; Spooner tries to step between them, but is shoved aside by the angry boy

Malcolm: Right! I've had it with you!

Humphries ducks his swing and runs for the safety of the fitting room, which leads to a long corridor; he races down it, still wearing a tuxedo and tap shoes; at the end he bursts out into an alleyway, where Patricia Routledge is serving tea to Josephine Tewson and Chris Barrie, all of whom wave to him jovially

Routledge: (in sing-song voice) There you are, Claybourne! You simply must join us for one of my candlelight suppers!

Claybourne wakes up screaming; it's just after sunset outside; he wipes the sweat from his face and climbs into bed properly, hoping the Bucket woman isn't waiting for him in his dreams again

Posted: 1:55 PM - Feb 06, 2012
Sienna
Certainly not! Do I look like the kind of girl who - I'm savin' myself for the right man.

Posted: 10:21 PM - Feb 06, 2012
Shirley
We were only wonderin'.

What about any other boys in the village? Have you considered them? Maybe one of them would be big and tough enough to scare Malcolm off.

Posted: 9:56 PM - Feb 07, 2012
Aidan
Claybourne falls asleep and has a much more restful night, although his dreams are still a bit odd; he dreams he is sitting in front of a thin television set; there is a rectangular box on the left and in front of the television is the keyboard from a typewriter, but some of the keys are odd; one key says 'Alt' and there is a row that say 'F1' 'F2' 'F3' and so on

This is odd. What's this thing?

He picks up a small rounded box with buttons on top; it has a cord that connects it to the rectangular box; the television comes on and instead of BBC One he sees cropped photos of himself and his co-workers when they were younger

That's...that's Betty! And Shirley! Mr...Mr Grainger?

The text underneath his own photo says Grace Brothers/Grace and Favour RPG; a strange object is moving on the screen of the television; he puts down the small box and it stops

I wonder what happens when I press this button...

He presses a button on the keyboard that looks like four badly drawn squares placed together; he jumps when a box pops up on the television screen; it says things like 'Firefox', 'Microsoft Word', and 'Adobe Reader X'

What does it all mean?!

He wakes up and its morning; there is a light rainfall outside; he forgets about the dream and gets up to start his day

Posted: 3:44 PM - Feb 08, 2012
Dick Lucas
<sitting in the kitchen, sipping on coffee, chatting with Betty and Shirley about Claybourne and his workout regime>

...and so I told him, he has to work on building his muscle tone first before learnin' how to throw the punches and such.

<shirley and betty agreed, nodding as they listened>

'E did better than I thought 'e would for his first workout... <snickers as he starts to eat his sausage>

I honestly thought 'e would whimp out...but the buggar held out and did it all. Hell, he even showed me up on joggin'. <laughed>

Shirley: Whatta mean? You're pretty fit and toned! <smiling>

I thought I was...<blew out some air with his eyes showing full> but when I jogged behind that bloke, I thought me lungs were gonna collapse!

Betty: Nooo! <she responded in a doubtfull tone>

yeah, so I'm gonna workout along with him...tone these baby up...<grinning as he flexes his arm muscles and kisses at them>

Posted: 10:21 PM - Feb 08, 2012
Aidan
Maybe if you'd quit smoking you could keep up.

Claybourne has appeared in the kitchen and looks exhausted, despite his extra-long sleep

What's on the agenda today? More callisthenics from hell?

Posted: 10:29 PM - Feb 08, 2012
Shirley
Shirley: You get a reprieve today, mate. Betty's got some work for us.

Betty: Right, you finish your breakfast and then go out to the barn. Mavis is going to show you how to shear sheep. They're looking downright miserable these days. She's already got everything set up, so all you have to do is go out there. Dick, you're coming with Shirley and myself. We need a rough and rugged set of hands to handle Dionysus.

Dick: Dionysus?

Shirley: That's the stallion what we've 'ired to...you know...have a few dates with our 'orses. An' I think we've got a coupla billies comin' over to chat up some of our lady goats as well.

Posted: 9:12 AM - Feb 10, 2012
Dick Lucas
Gah, Blimey!! <exasperated blow as he drops his sausage and plops his hands on the table>

Ya mean I gotta play pimp daddy with a HORSE!!! ?

Posted: 11:46 PM - Feb 10, 2012
Shirley
An' to the goats as well. I think next week the bull is bein' taken to Old Man Hollister's what lives on the other side of the village. You can 'elp Mr Moulterd with 'im as well. I mean, you are a big, strong lad, right? You can 'andle 'em all by yourself, I'll wager!

Posted: 8:54 PM - Feb 11, 2012
Libby_W
<exasperated look on face> GAH! <sinks head into hands while elbows on table>

{it's one thing being carefree and wild with your lady...but watching animals?!?} <shakes head no while thinking>

Some Valentines week...ME! playing cupid for animals! Blimey!


(I finally got the wrong one on the wrong story...lol)

Posted: 12:07 AM - Feb 12, 2012
Aidan
Who said you had to watch them?

Claybourne grins at Dick, who gives him a nasty look

Right! I'm off!

Claybourne trundles off toward the back door

Oh, my whole body is sore! It's going to take 'shear' willpower to get these sheep done. Yes, I know what I just did there. Get over it!

Posted: 8:39 PM - Feb 14, 2012
GBOwner
<Continuing post in the farmyard/barn.>